Promoting for a friend :)



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Ok. beside the fact that I have been severely procrastinating my Editing for my project and Finishing alot of costume, alot has been on my mind. Also the reason why I continuously try to distract myself.

To be honest, sometimes I am seriously not comfortable wif guys acting up all crazy around. Being the only one who thinks wif brains most of the time. The clean up and all is a serious mess. Also, sometimes I realli cannot stand it when their topics all get dirty and is stuck there. For no apparent reason.

Some things I seriously dun understand is how can guys be so stupid just for girls. Like no GF can die one. I still dun understand this point. -.-

Also, I personally feel very often, very constricted. Like I cannot be myself. Even if it was a short while. Just a few hours earlier I felt realli great cuz I was like expressing myself out. Apparently I drank some alchohol. Ya and I acted all bitchy and hime wif the guys all around me. =3=

Now, all the guys go sleep liao, then I am here waiting for 8am to wake them up. >.<

Is it realli the girls job to keep the guys on track?

Also I dun understand why guys see pink = dun wan. -.- Pink is so cute, must color discriminate until like that meh?

Ah, another problem I have been having. I have this friend of mine. Obviously straight. Anyways, he has always been helping me wif my projects. Been there for me very often. Often we work and think on the same frequency. Minus our sexual preferences. sigh.

Anyways, I many of my friends dun like this guy. So everytime I ask him out. I nid to make sure those ppl who hate him are not around etc. But then again, I feel so restricted. And not like I can just abandon this friend of mine.

To make this worse. Recently I been developing abit of feelings for him. Trying to shove it aside but it still lingers here and there. Its disturbing and suffucating sometimes. I know obviously our relationship will fail. Given the personality he has.

In addition parents, and I can't bare to lose my friends. The sacrifice is too great I guess. Maybe he is not the right one.

Sometimes love is such a painful thing. One of my crushes. I hate him. In a way I guess. But sometimes his words can really mess up my thinking. A 'please' or seeing him in trouble automatically makes my emotions and all act up. I just can't leave him alone. Or ignore him. Its like he still has a place somewhere in my heart. An empty hole. >.<

sometimes ppl say family love is very important, however, I feel that honestly sometimes when your family is against you or having disputes, it becomes more of a pain and burden then help. Esp when ppl in your family is all stubborn sigh. Srsly life sux. T-T

WHy must life be so painful. >.<

"Sometimes,being honest with yourself is just harder than it seems..." Quoted from a friend's facebook post.

Honestly, I find this sentence very true. But sometimes being true to yourself can be painful. In many ways. Hurting yourself and others. Then again, Lying your way through is also painful.

Its confusing. Isn't it. Life.

Sometimes I wonder, Is this blog simply like a reflection of myself or what. I am not honest to it though. Sigh. I try to be honest, but there are just some things I can't say. I don't feel secure.

Its painful sometimes, you have so much to rant, so much to say, but you can't say everything out.

Trust I guess.

Maybe not so.

Sigh.

Well, lets say like its painful to actually keep quiet sometimes, but you don't know who you can talk to freely. And feel accepted. Being able to help is one thing. Feeling accepted is another.

Sometimes, I honestly feel very lost.

I know I don't display it very much sometimes, especially in front of guys.

Its like, I want to get into a relationship, so that someone can just keep me warm, and understand me sometimes.

But I know, Its hard, not impossible, but hard to find such a great partner. Especially given that 99% of the guys are scums.

1% rare. Yes, very Rare.

I sometimes really hate myself. Alot sometimes.

I don't know what to say.

Its like, I seriously hate myself for not being able to be who I want to be. I know I feel unconfortable, but I Can't fall back on anyone. They always say family support is the most important. But how can I get family support when my Family does not even accept my thoughts and feelings.

I know it will be hard, but without support, I can't get anywhere.

Pain and suffering is alot. Yes, Alot.

I really wonder sometimes if fate is just being cruel or what, but I find things hard to accept very often.

I feel like, often, I am keeping too much to myself. Too Much.

And I am so scared. About graduation.

I don't want to lose my friends, my life and all. Its like, there is only school that is holding us together. Well that is not the case, but maybe because of my secondary school life. I was made to like stay in school or home. I am scared, my life may become like this again.

I don't want to be trapped alone all over again.

I remember back then, Aside from school friends, the only people left I could strongly remember are like Kristal, from my old house. I Remember she stays on the 9th floor while I was on the 4th.

For some reason, I could remember playing with her and all. Thats about all I can remember.

The the other person Not from school, aside from two Sec schoolfriend's GF, is like Mirukai. Only remember her real name is Miranda. The Joke. She is over seas. CUz I never had the chance to interact much with the world. I was pretty much in my own world. Until O-levels ended. Then I started to have a taste of life.

YEah.

Its sad I guess. Sometimes.

But sometimes my mom doesn't understand we have a life to live, not just follow a certain route which the government has set up. Student does not mean study and home. There can be much more to it.

i don't know sometimes, maybe I became who I cam when I knew what life was. Not someone trapped in a cage and all. But my mom believes that such changes are not possible. How am I suppose to know who I am if I don't know the world. I never took a step out?

Then again. I think life is not a bed of roses. Its alot of pain and suffering. I wonder why life exist sometimes. YEt I feel so scared.

Yeah, Motivation and my fears. About posting on Blogs.

As I think it is very veyr obvious. I do NOT have a blog to keep a log of my daily life. Maybe I'll do that when I have an Iphone. With spamming internet. When that days comes. If not I can just resume my current posting style.

Well you see. I get very VERY VERY bored easily. I know that about me. And its something about me that I both like and Don't like.

OMG, how did I end up talking about blogging. Arh WHo cares. Abit wun harm.

Ok. Boredom. Nya's biggest Enemy. Not biggest, but one of the big ones. I guess.

I don't know. Esp when I am Alone. I sometimes actually freak out. Unless I am in my own house. Which I also have problems with. End up will want to go out unless I am doing costumes.

Sometimes even with my Mom, or Sis or Even my so called Long-time friend, I don't feel comfortable at all. Not say I don't enjoy my time. but because of some comments they made previously, I dare not express myself naturally. You know the stress. When U cannot say something because someone is there. and its not official. Its just your true feelings. But I think fear. Just stops me. Its painful. But I don't dare. I don't. I feel so scared. Is it the trust I have with them is too strong or too weak?

Strong because I know they will react horribly to my actions. Or Strong because I trust them. Or Weak because of the same two reasons. Its a joke right.

What is trust.

Is it just me or US. When it comes to trust.

Thats why I blog. I blog because I am lost. I want people to maybe read me. I want to say out the crap in me. I just want to release it. Then again. I fear these people may read my blog. But I don't like a private blog sometimes. Esp for some posts.

I am thinking of reviving and maintaining my private blog. Because I think I feel safer there. Maybe U know. Less sensative stuff on this blog. Sensative keep it private.

Well, I just live life as it sucks. Sigh.

Do I call it limit? Or Stupidlity?

Sometimes I really wonder to myself if actually I am doing the right thing or not. I mean, my short-temper. I think I do realise I have that problem. Picked up from my Mom. Probably.

Ok, talking about my Mom. Maybe a good place to start I guess. She always makes a fuss why sometimes I'm so impatient or easily annoyed even at her. Simple, Because of how my life sucks. Seriously.

Lets say Hmmm..

First of all, I have my main problem. Waking up everyday, having to go to school as a guy. Its a pain already. Seriously. Now. I have this Alex from Hell pissing me off almost daily. Yeah. Daily Basis. FUn ah. TO him. And Yes, My FYP is jeapodized. Good Job. -.-

And I have not been able to do costumes, which is my most decent form of destress.

And with all this shit all piled up.

BAAAM Of course I am Super short tempered. and Impatient.

And she makes things worse. Nag Nag Nag. Of course I will lose my cool. Esp if I just had a heated arguement with that Alex from Hell.

Argh.

And also lately, I have not been able to rant out my problems to people I am close to. Really. Timing issue. Alex please go die thank you.

Yeah. To sum it up, I noe I becoming very veyr short tempered. And this is NO GOOD. Wrinkles. Eye Bags. Deteoration of skin. FFFFFF

Alex please go die.

Sorry, but I think you are the easiest to blame.

So Alex please go die.

Next day Headlines. Boy name Alex Flys off the Singapore Flyer to Hell.

Yay. Dream on.

I doubt it will happen.

Damn.

T-T

Life sucks. Fullstop.

2 days after Interim one. To be honest, I feel alot of regret. Not regarding about how poorly how I did my work, but why I was not stubborn and persistent. I personally feel that some things I could have done to stop the disaster that I could even see upcoming. I could even remeber telling Wei Ru that confirm, our story sure get changed after interim 1, because it was too unstable. Nothing was even done properly.

No Depth. No soul.

That is simply how I could describe our story.

Honestly, I am finding it very hard to work with Alex. For many reasons. I shall state a couple.

- He does not listen to people suggestions. Be it groupmates or even outsiders.
Comments and suggestions were all brushed aside as he will insist that only he should be writing the script and the final decsision on the story should be his. Because he is the Director as well as script writer.

- He only listens to lecturer comments and uses it wholesale without any thought.
This happens all the time. I often get the impression that he is using the lecturers to think his story from him. But often. Julian and Andrew do not think of the same examples. thus putting them together is simply suicide. Very often.

- He immediately restarts the story without thinking when he realises that the story's BME don't connect. However, he has never made any effort to connect them. This resulted in our story changing 14 times before interim, excluding the story ideas Andrew gave us during our final consultation with him before the interim.


Honestly, I felt very stress. Simply because, each time his draft story is out. Wei Ru and I have to begin pre-production. Location Reccee. Research. Casting. Auditions. Then he restarts it again. We have to redo our whole work. Its like, we keep on working sleepless. Only to realise in 3 days time. Our efforts have all gone to waste.

Normally its ok. Once or twice. but not 14 times. Thats way too much. And one thing about Alex is he refuses to do anything but the script and story. Which he has never progressed at all. Not one bit.

I even have to admit, Zhi Wei is always trying to help. However. He can't. Because everytime we about about to distribute work. He restart. As in Alex. Thus we had no progress at all.

I personally felt I don't think I should bring this up to a lecturer for multiple reasons as well. Some being the moral of the group and I do not wish to have our marks affected. However I do believe there is a limit to everything.

I am personally considering of informing Andrew about the possibility of having roles changed. Because I have behind Alex's back, done story and script. I know this may seem like back stabbing. But I don't think we can leave it as it is. Maybe its like telling a white lie?

But for the sake of the group, I don't think its fair to have one person's own pride and Ego and his own way of doing things drag us all down.

I Think enough is enough. Even if I anger Alex. So be it. I have to make a say someday. And moreover, its for his good. For the group as well.


To be honest. I personally think at the end of this. I might actually be happier. Seriously. I think I might just enjoy trampling all over this useless egoistic man's pride. Seeing it be crushed and abuse. HAhahahaha. Seriously. I think this thought is really motivating. Serious. Hahahahaha. >.<

99% of the guys are scums. :3

I feel group work this round is HORRID HORRID HORRID. I swear its HORRID. Ok, I got a whole whole chunk of reasons for this.

Firstly I am working in a group where there are like 2 pervertic guys. I swear they are perverts and moneh is more important than their first child birth. I swear they will make horrid and possibly unloyal husbands. ARGHHHHH

99% of the guys are scums. Nuff said.

Well, first thing first. I am Very Very Very Very piss wif this idiot in my group. Ok Ok, first he makes us so confident about him.

he say like, I can write script, I good @ story etc.

Guess wat?

He wasted a CHUNK CHUNK CHUNK of time. We met everyday for a week. FOR NOTHING.
Because at the end of everyday, he restarts the story. Because he is F-ing lazy to simply think think think Argh. >.<

Everytime we come out with a problem, without thinking, he changes the whole story. Either becuz we are stuck, or the lecturer give an example. NOT ASK US TO FOLLOW. WTF he takes all advise as spoon FEED. Dammit. Argh


"Please go Die" Quoted from Gengar. :3

ARgh. I srsly dunno wat to say sia. We are now SOOOOOO behind time and all. And he is goofing around, producing no work.

Is he trying to kill us all?

Ok, Tue we finalize story.

Then Wed holiday

HOLIDAY he ONLIIIII finish some char development which he wun share wif US

STORY not PLANNED

WTF WTF WTF

Srsly, I dunno wat to say liao.

Now we location Reccee like blind mice looking for cheese.

later Location we find end up cannot use or no nid, we wasted our time. If we dun reccee, we will NEVA be on time.

"Please go Die" Quoted from cute little Gengar.

ARGH ARGH ARGH

-.-

>.<

Seriously, I wish he would just get knocked down by a car.

Or a yandare girlfriend wif a Katana :3

Minus 1 scum from the world <3

AHHH>-----

Please go die thank you.... -.-

Well, I am feeling very restricted, because, I am restricted. So many things I wanna say but I can't. SO many.
Feeling so insecure and helpless. TO begin with, I may seem to be the kind with initiative. The kind with so much peserverence. I dunno what people are thinking?
Someone told me off, saying why am I not like myself. Why am I not acting like how I always do?

How am I suppose to when I have no support. I don't feel the support and trust. I may open easily, like I always say, but for me to trust is a seperate issue. It may be a fast process, it may be slow. But it doesn't matter. I may be open, but I may not be comfortable. When I am open, I may not know where to draw the line.

I am indeed @ my limit.
I don't blame anyone. Its just me.
Insecurity I guess. Topped up with jealousy.

I don't really know if that will bring me anywhere at this rate. From the very start, the only problem I had with my SIP, I was alone as in no one I know in the company. I needed the moral support, even if it was like a do your best kind of thing. From someone I trust. Someone I am comfortable with.

Loneliness is painful.
Unable to express myself as well.

I might just need someone to talk to, but I don't know who. I don't know my limit any more. I can move, but I need someone to watch my back. I am weak when alone. I really am.

stress is just piling up. I don't want to run any more. I don't want to. I want help. I am no longer gonna keep quiet. I want help. I will ask for it. Silent suffering is painful. Expressing with no expression. Jealousy created from nature.