Sometimes I wonder, Is this blog simply like a reflection of myself or what. I am not honest to it though. Sigh. I try to be honest, but there are just some things I can't say. I don't feel secure.

Its painful sometimes, you have so much to rant, so much to say, but you can't say everything out.

Trust I guess.

Maybe not so.

Sigh.

Well, lets say like its painful to actually keep quiet sometimes, but you don't know who you can talk to freely. And feel accepted. Being able to help is one thing. Feeling accepted is another.

Sometimes, I honestly feel very lost.

I know I don't display it very much sometimes, especially in front of guys.

Its like, I want to get into a relationship, so that someone can just keep me warm, and understand me sometimes.

But I know, Its hard, not impossible, but hard to find such a great partner. Especially given that 99% of the guys are scums.

1% rare. Yes, very Rare.

I sometimes really hate myself. Alot sometimes.

I don't know what to say.

Its like, I seriously hate myself for not being able to be who I want to be. I know I feel unconfortable, but I Can't fall back on anyone. They always say family support is the most important. But how can I get family support when my Family does not even accept my thoughts and feelings.

I know it will be hard, but without support, I can't get anywhere.

Pain and suffering is alot. Yes, Alot.

I really wonder sometimes if fate is just being cruel or what, but I find things hard to accept very often.

I feel like, often, I am keeping too much to myself. Too Much.

And I am so scared. About graduation.

I don't want to lose my friends, my life and all. Its like, there is only school that is holding us together. Well that is not the case, but maybe because of my secondary school life. I was made to like stay in school or home. I am scared, my life may become like this again.

I don't want to be trapped alone all over again.

I remember back then, Aside from school friends, the only people left I could strongly remember are like Kristal, from my old house. I Remember she stays on the 9th floor while I was on the 4th.

For some reason, I could remember playing with her and all. Thats about all I can remember.

The the other person Not from school, aside from two Sec schoolfriend's GF, is like Mirukai. Only remember her real name is Miranda. The Joke. She is over seas. CUz I never had the chance to interact much with the world. I was pretty much in my own world. Until O-levels ended. Then I started to have a taste of life.

YEah.

Its sad I guess. Sometimes.

But sometimes my mom doesn't understand we have a life to live, not just follow a certain route which the government has set up. Student does not mean study and home. There can be much more to it.

i don't know sometimes, maybe I became who I cam when I knew what life was. Not someone trapped in a cage and all. But my mom believes that such changes are not possible. How am I suppose to know who I am if I don't know the world. I never took a step out?

Then again. I think life is not a bed of roses. Its alot of pain and suffering. I wonder why life exist sometimes. YEt I feel so scared.

Yeah, Motivation and my fears. About posting on Blogs.

As I think it is very veyr obvious. I do NOT have a blog to keep a log of my daily life. Maybe I'll do that when I have an Iphone. With spamming internet. When that days comes. If not I can just resume my current posting style.

Well you see. I get very VERY VERY bored easily. I know that about me. And its something about me that I both like and Don't like.

OMG, how did I end up talking about blogging. Arh WHo cares. Abit wun harm.

Ok. Boredom. Nya's biggest Enemy. Not biggest, but one of the big ones. I guess.

I don't know. Esp when I am Alone. I sometimes actually freak out. Unless I am in my own house. Which I also have problems with. End up will want to go out unless I am doing costumes.

Sometimes even with my Mom, or Sis or Even my so called Long-time friend, I don't feel comfortable at all. Not say I don't enjoy my time. but because of some comments they made previously, I dare not express myself naturally. You know the stress. When U cannot say something because someone is there. and its not official. Its just your true feelings. But I think fear. Just stops me. Its painful. But I don't dare. I don't. I feel so scared. Is it the trust I have with them is too strong or too weak?

Strong because I know they will react horribly to my actions. Or Strong because I trust them. Or Weak because of the same two reasons. Its a joke right.

What is trust.

Is it just me or US. When it comes to trust.

Thats why I blog. I blog because I am lost. I want people to maybe read me. I want to say out the crap in me. I just want to release it. Then again. I fear these people may read my blog. But I don't like a private blog sometimes. Esp for some posts.

I am thinking of reviving and maintaining my private blog. Because I think I feel safer there. Maybe U know. Less sensative stuff on this blog. Sensative keep it private.

Well, I just live life as it sucks. Sigh.

Do I call it limit? Or Stupidlity?

Sometimes I really wonder to myself if actually I am doing the right thing or not. I mean, my short-temper. I think I do realise I have that problem. Picked up from my Mom. Probably.

Ok, talking about my Mom. Maybe a good place to start I guess. She always makes a fuss why sometimes I'm so impatient or easily annoyed even at her. Simple, Because of how my life sucks. Seriously.

Lets say Hmmm..

First of all, I have my main problem. Waking up everyday, having to go to school as a guy. Its a pain already. Seriously. Now. I have this Alex from Hell pissing me off almost daily. Yeah. Daily Basis. FUn ah. TO him. And Yes, My FYP is jeapodized. Good Job. -.-

And I have not been able to do costumes, which is my most decent form of destress.

And with all this shit all piled up.

BAAAM Of course I am Super short tempered. and Impatient.

And she makes things worse. Nag Nag Nag. Of course I will lose my cool. Esp if I just had a heated arguement with that Alex from Hell.

Argh.

And also lately, I have not been able to rant out my problems to people I am close to. Really. Timing issue. Alex please go die thank you.

Yeah. To sum it up, I noe I becoming very veyr short tempered. And this is NO GOOD. Wrinkles. Eye Bags. Deteoration of skin. FFFFFF

Alex please go die.

Sorry, but I think you are the easiest to blame.

So Alex please go die.

Next day Headlines. Boy name Alex Flys off the Singapore Flyer to Hell.

Yay. Dream on.

I doubt it will happen.

Damn.

T-T

Life sucks. Fullstop.