Sometimes I wonder, Is this blog simply like a reflection of myself or what. I am not honest to it though. Sigh. I try to be honest, but there are just some things I can't say. I don't feel secure.

Its painful sometimes, you have so much to rant, so much to say, but you can't say everything out.

Trust I guess.

Maybe not so.

Sigh.

Well, lets say like its painful to actually keep quiet sometimes, but you don't know who you can talk to freely. And feel accepted. Being able to help is one thing. Feeling accepted is another.

Sometimes, I honestly feel very lost.

I know I don't display it very much sometimes, especially in front of guys.

Its like, I want to get into a relationship, so that someone can just keep me warm, and understand me sometimes.

But I know, Its hard, not impossible, but hard to find such a great partner. Especially given that 99% of the guys are scums.

1% rare. Yes, very Rare.

I sometimes really hate myself. Alot sometimes.

I don't know what to say.

Its like, I seriously hate myself for not being able to be who I want to be. I know I feel unconfortable, but I Can't fall back on anyone. They always say family support is the most important. But how can I get family support when my Family does not even accept my thoughts and feelings.

I know it will be hard, but without support, I can't get anywhere.

Pain and suffering is alot. Yes, Alot.

I really wonder sometimes if fate is just being cruel or what, but I find things hard to accept very often.

I feel like, often, I am keeping too much to myself. Too Much.

And I am so scared. About graduation.

I don't want to lose my friends, my life and all. Its like, there is only school that is holding us together. Well that is not the case, but maybe because of my secondary school life. I was made to like stay in school or home. I am scared, my life may become like this again.

I don't want to be trapped alone all over again.

I remember back then, Aside from school friends, the only people left I could strongly remember are like Kristal, from my old house. I Remember she stays on the 9th floor while I was on the 4th.

For some reason, I could remember playing with her and all. Thats about all I can remember.

The the other person Not from school, aside from two Sec schoolfriend's GF, is like Mirukai. Only remember her real name is Miranda. The Joke. She is over seas. CUz I never had the chance to interact much with the world. I was pretty much in my own world. Until O-levels ended. Then I started to have a taste of life.

YEah.

Its sad I guess. Sometimes.

But sometimes my mom doesn't understand we have a life to live, not just follow a certain route which the government has set up. Student does not mean study and home. There can be much more to it.

i don't know sometimes, maybe I became who I cam when I knew what life was. Not someone trapped in a cage and all. But my mom believes that such changes are not possible. How am I suppose to know who I am if I don't know the world. I never took a step out?

Then again. I think life is not a bed of roses. Its alot of pain and suffering. I wonder why life exist sometimes. YEt I feel so scared.